Magic's House

Here's something I've been thinking about a lot lately for absolutely no reason whatsoever:

If you were at Magic Johnson's house and had to take a dump, would you do it? or would you just hold it in and risk losing it in your pants and having it roll down your leg onto the floor?

Right now, I'm leaning towards "holding it," since often times my logs are large and cause slight tears of my anal walls, which would make me more susceptable to getting the AIDS that is floating around in the air in his house. This is the reason that gay people get a lot of AIDS (because they tear up each other's anal walls during sex, not because they hang out at Magic Johnson's house).

However, in order to carefully ASSess the situation, I've decided to list some pro's and con's about whether you should poop at Magic's house or hold it in.

PRO: You don't really want to poop yourself in front of a celebrity, do you?
CON: I'm sure he has plenty of maids who have encountered this before. They'll clean up the poop. Just say his dog (or his wife) did it if anyone asks you.

PRO: He probably isn't gonna let you use the same toilet that he poops in anyway.
CON: Yeah, but we don't know how fast AIDS travels in the air. What if it flies around really fast, or attaches itself to dust particles? Do you really want to spread cheek and risk AIDS-laced dust particles flying up your rectum?

PRO: You could tell your friends, "I took a dump at Magic Johnson's house!"
CON: You could end up telling your friends, "I took a dump at Magic Johnson's house...... and got AIDS!"

PRO: Well, Isiah Thomas guarded him at his last All Star Game, and he didn't get AIDS!
CON: Yeah, but Isiah guarded him from 10 feet away. Besides, Isiah's gay anyway, so you gotta figure he knows how to protect himself from AIDS. Haven't you ever heard him talk?

PRO: Magic's had AIDS forever, and he looks fine!
CON: Well, he is a bit chubby. But you don't have Magic's money, so the AIDS is gonna kill your ass.

PRO: But what's the big deal? I've already got AIDS!
CON: Uh... er... well, I guess you should just go for it then! I'm not a doctor or anything, but can you get more AIDS then you already have?

PRO: Oops, my bad! I meant I've already got Herpes, not AIDS.
CON: Well, you've already decided that it was okay to poop at Mike Vick's house, so you obviously have no qualms about this sort of thing. Drop it like it's hot!

UPDATE: "Close Call"

For those of you who were concerned about yesterday, it took an extra cup of coffee, but I eventually got the rest of the poo out in the afternoon and successfully unclogged my rectum. It came out in the form of one big Momma log, followed by one Deformed Brown Offspring log.

Don't worry though - after a basket of Applebee's riblets from last night and a crock of french onion soup, with this afternoon's KFC 3-piece crispy strips meal (w/ a biscuit and sides of macaroni and potato wedges, all dipped in a combination of ranch dressing and hot sauce) I should be back on the hopper in no time!

Check back soon for more exciting tales of excrement!

Close Call

I feel a little unfulfilled right now. I squeezed out a few small nuggets, but they were harder than I had expected. It felt like they were scraping against my anal walls along the right side, but I was relieved to see that there was no blood on the toilet paper during the wipe.

I hope I can get the rest of this batch out before lunch time, or else I'm not gonna be very hungry.

Cherry Bombs

Here is an important bit of advice:

If you ever have to drop a double at the Cherry Hill Mall, just hold it in until you get home. Or else crap your pants. Whatever you've gotta do. But DO NOT press your cheeks atop the toilets in the food court men's room. Trust me. I may have to go to therapy to get over last night.

That Poopin' Feeling!

I was only 4 miles from work this morning when I felt a sharp tinge in the lower intestine. I didn't think I was gonna make it in. I fought to resist the urge to pull into one of the 2 truck stops around the corner. I thought to myself, “C’mon Yorkis – you can hold it in. A fresh bowl shared primarily with Europeans awaits you at your office.”

[Of course, it’s nice to know that your co-workers are all European, because it means that you are less likely to get crabs from the toilets since they all carefully wash their hineys in bidets at home.]

I sped down the roads to the building and ran 2 reds. Then I got held up at the gate because of like 3 visitors in a row. I honked the horn. “Can’t you see I’ve gotta drop a big one here???”

So I rolled down the window to get some air, then finally I got inside and parked, and by the time I got to my office...I LOST the DOO!

(singing in my head) “I’ve lost that poopin’ feeling, now its’ gone, gone, gone…”

I was gonna go grab a cup of coffee, just to ensure that the doo would be able to exit as moistly and smoothly as possible in order to prevent any possible anal bleeding. But as soon as I got up – the doo was back!

I scampered to the stall and unleashed something brown and heinous. Normally, I would give myself a courtesy flush – but since my nose is stuffy today, I couldn’t smell shit! (literally!!)

Instead, I decided to let the poo – which consisted of one large moist log (say, 7-9 inches), a second smaller moist log, and some frayed splatter from a final watery burst – marinate in the bowl a little bit, while I played video games on my cell phone until my legs fell asleep.

I'm just glad I could hold it till I got to the office. Pooping at the office is way better than at a truck stop because when you finish at the office, there aren't big, hairy guys in flannel shirts waiting to rape you outside the stall.

Top 6 things to do after taking a dump at work

6. Wait for the bathroom to clear out so no one knows that you were just pooping.

5. Sneak back to your desk so that no one wonders where you were for the last 20 minutes, since they'll probably just assume that you were just pooping.

4. Beat off! No one's been able to find you for the past 20 minutes. What difference will another 3-and-a-half minutes make?

3. (If someone else is at the sink or at the urinal) Jump out of the stall and say, “Whoa! Don’t go in there buddy.......unless you enjoy the wretched stench of my ass!”

2. Relax on the bowl and play video games on your cell phone until your legs fall asleep. Then try to wake up your legs by shaking them - but wipe and pull up your pants first.

1. Flush down the poo, wait a minute for the bowl to fill with clean water, then dip your ass down into the water and hit the flush again – which will allow the swirling function of the toilet to thoroughly wash the dried residual dookie off of your ass so you don’t get a rash. (NOTE: Rashes can be very painful – especially if you don’t have anyone around to apply the Desitin for you.)