"Moore" Fantastic Logs!

Now that I'm done offending the internet and people with AIDS, I figured I'd get back to the essence of what makes this blog so great...........

My anus!!!

I had a good pretty good one at the Moorestown Mall the other day in the food court, which brought my “mall food court pooping total” for the past two weeks up to 2. I think these malls strategically locate their restrooms in the food court because mall food makes people have to poop a lot.

I think what set me off was doing 20 laps around the food court just so I could get more free samples of sesame chicken on toothpicks. You've gotta be smooth about that, so each time I walked by I'd pass by and then pretend like I just spotted the guy out of the corner of my eye and then stop suddenly like, "hey! sesame chicken!" Then, I'd chew on it slowly and pretend like I was contemplating actually buying stuff that they're giving me for free! Never!!!

So then I would take off my jacket, walk around again, and do the same thing. Each time I did something different to make me look like a different person, like roll my sleeves up or mess up my hair a bit. I'd throw out my toothpick during the lap just so there was no evidence that I had already gotten a piece of that tasty chicken. During some laps, I'd try to get extra pieces with clever ruses like, "The guy at the register is trying to ask you something! [then yoink a few pieces when he turns]". One time I told the guy that I needed an extra one for my mom and just pointed to a random woman in the food court. The guy seemed suspicious since it was an obese black woman, but I got the extra piece of sesame chicken, and that's what counts!

NOTE: This whole "free-chicken" thing is much easier to do if you are asian, since they all look alike.

The damage from my escapades was really just one massive log. Nothing to sneeze at really. But as a guy who has dropped off some of the most gigantic logs in some of the most horrific places, I generally don’t bother writing about just another run-of-the mill 8-incher with an inch-and-a-half diameter. HA! I drop those in my sleep!

But the thing that made this experience so crazy was that the toilet kept automatically flushing every time I reached for some more TP! It was powerful too!

After cold sewer water shot up my anus for the fifth time in 4 minutes, I decided that there was only one option – I had to stand up and wipe! This would normally be quite difficult, but mercifully, the poo was fairly dry and well-contained. I shouldn’t have had to do a “satellite wipe” (you know – a quick moisture check around the outer regions before heading for the core) since there was no dookie splatter, but I had to get the water out of my asshairs so they wouldn’t make my underpants uncomfortably moist.

This was still better than my Cherry Hill Mall experience earlier in the week, since the toilet seats in Moorestown didn’t have any crabs on them!