Hot Log Eating Contest

Last Saturday, I went to a Nathan’s Hot Dog Eating Contest qualifying event in downtown Philly. I was there to support my buddy Scotty “The Tapeworm”, though I didn’t have much faith in his ability to compete with some of the finest eaters in the world.

Before the contest, I met “Yellowcake” – the #16 ranked eater in the world by the IFOCE (International Federation of Competitive Eating). This guy was like 6-8 and 300 lbs. Obviously, he didn’t have a soft touch in the post or any jumping ability. I also saw that there was Buffalo Bob and Humble Bob, who both looked like talented gurgitators.

Some dude handed me an Opie & Anthony bumper sticker and told me to watch out for this guy “Pat from Munacki”. I had no idea who this was since I haven’t really listened to O&A since they moved to satellite. Blogging about my anus doesn’t exactly afford me great luxuries.

Anyway, this "Pat from Munacki" guy was the ugliest, fattest fuck I’ve ever seen in my life. Good thing he was wearing a hat and shorts so we didn’t have to see all the pimples and warts on his head and ass to match the ones all over his fat, disgusting face. I take it back – they should just make these guys all compete shirtless like boxers so we can get a true appreciation for their nauseating girth. You gotta work hard for that.

Anyway, I tried to offer my buddy The Tapeworm a “competitive edge” out of my 1-hitter, but he unwisely declined, and ended up eating a measly 7 hot dogs. I had already eaten a whitefish salad bagel and 2 root beer floats, and I could have eaten 7 dogs!

But as the competition went on, it was clear that this Pat guy was putting on the performance of a lifetime. He was clearly an underdog and was learning his technique by watching those around him. Despite only average technique, this guy showed the heart of a true eater - a heart that was working extra hard to pump cased meats through his few remaining unclogged arteries. The crowd was on fire! Once big Pat did his “fat guy wiggle dance”, it was all over. Everyone was rooting for him, myself included. How could you not root for this guy? He probably hasn’t seen his balls since he was 12. Plus his name even rhymes with "fat"! How cool is that? [If I ever adopt an African-American child, I'm gonna name him "Mack".]

Anway, big Pat downed 20 nasty ass Nathan’s hot dogs (which are gross. Why couldn’t Ball Park get in on this action? At least they "plump when you cook ‘em!"). But he’ll need to do some serious training to beat that little Japanese dude in the nationals.

What I really want to know, though, is what does a 20-dog dump look like? What does it feel like? What does it taste like? Can someone send me a picture of this fresh out the bowl? Or else, just send me an overly graphic story and I’ll post you as a “guest LOGger” on The Chronicles of My Anus! See, anyone's anus can get in on the fun! (NOTE: I stole that last line from the mission statement at www.hotgaysex.com)