A Thanksgiving Feces: Turd-key, Bran-berrys, and Sweet Poo-tatoes

November 24-28, 2004

Wednesday night I left for Pittsburgh on an empty stomach, saving up for a holiday weekend full of eating events.

I ate a small breakfast and no lunch on Thursday, to ensure that there was as much room as possible for me to eat everything in sight at our big Thanksgiving feast at the nursing home.

There were 3 different turkey platters, 2 stuffings, cranberry sauce, sweet and mashed potatoes, and plenty of vegetables on (and around) the table. And like 4 pies for desert. For the record, I ate all that shit. Twice. I love Thanksgiving.

The only thing I like better than eating Thanksgiving dinner is crapping it out. There’s nothing more satisfying than taking my annual Plymouth Rock Plop and filling up the bowl with giant turkey turds – turning it into a virtual “cornucrappia” o' plenty, if you will.

However, as I woke up Friday, there was a problem – it was all still inside me. Worse yet, it wasn’t showing any signs of coming out. I had to meet some cousins at Starbucks for 11 AM coffee, but even a pumpkin spice latte couldn’t induce the turtlehead out of its shell. Then it was off to lunch. Surely some creamy alfredo pasta would do the trick! But I sat on the couch all afternoon and felt nothing. This thing went Galapagos on me!

I was scheduled for a big dinner at an expensive restaurant. I had to make room, but ran out of time. So I went out and piled on some veal chops and pumpkin cheesecake, which I figured would be more than enough to allow my little brown frends to slip past the guards and move on to freedom from their dark, cavernous, anal prison. I headed back to the nice, comfy restroom – but it wasn’t meant to be. I squeezed and squeezed and the result of my labor was but a mere 3 poo pebbles.

I gave up and went to the bar. A few pitchers of tasteless Miller Lite dried my system for the evening. Surely the morning deuce would alleviate my bowels.

But I woke up at noon and was dragged out to a hibachi lunch. I had no idea where it would all go, but apparently I still had room for a filet mignon, a plate full of fried rice, 6 shrimp, and an eel roll. It must have been stored in my lungs, or perhaps it found shelter within the fatty tissue of my ass.

I came back home and sat down on the couch. Then it hit me. It was huge. Several large logs and the nightmare was over. I even found Waldo and his chick on the crapper. [The fact that someone made millions off of that stupid “Where’s Waldo” concept made me want to drown myself in the toilet with my giant feces still afloat.]

Closing out the Weekend…

I c[r]apped off my weekend with some rest-stop coffee on the ride home, which hit my intestines immediately.

I bolted for the restroom, but all the stalls were occupied! I paced back and forth ready to pounce upon the first empty throne. Luckily, a dad quickly finished molesting his kid in the handicapped stall and vacated. I jumped inside and unleashed a single moist log. “Hmmm,” I thought. “Could this actually turn out to be a smooth and healthy session?”

My intestines quickly shot down that notion – in the form of an avalanche of excrement that contained no solid matter whatsoever.

The rest of the ride home couldn’t have been any more pleasant.

PART 1 – The JC Penny Plop

November 20, 2004

CHERRY HILL, NJ – I needed to get a new raincoat, since I’ve needed one for a while, so I ended up in the Cherry Hill Mall. I had just eaten dinner and was feeling a little gassy from drinking Sam Adams all day. So I try on a few coats, then it hits me. I tried to fart it out, but the little brown fella felt like it was going to break containment as if he was a blitzing safety and my ass was the Houston Texans’ offensive line.

I spotted a restroom in the back of the Men’s department and decided not to risk another movement. The green and black marble colors were lovely – much cleaner than the food court bathroom. It was quick, small, and round. I thought I was good for the evening…

PART 2 – Bridget Jones’ Dookie-y

November 20, 2004 (continued)

CHERRY HILL, NJ - So I headed to the Loew’s movie theater. I entered the crowded restroom intending to unleash no more than a short tinkle. But my stomach started growling when it saw the stalls, so I began a hopeless quest for a clean stall in a filthy restroom. I opened just about every door, until I came across a toilet with the seat up.

“Success!” I thought. I lowered the seat only to find that it was sprinkled with tinkle. But the mudslide had started to head towards daylight, so I had to act fast. I wiped the seat, then unloaded about half the roll of TP to pad the seat. What followed was about 5 long, splattery bursts of choco-ass flavored milkshake into the shallow bowl. The wipe was wet and messy.

Then I headed to the theater with a huge grin and empty intestines. Unfortunately, it was the wife’s night to pick the film. I knew it wouldn’t be pleasant, but had I known that the Bridget Jones’ Diary sequel was going to be this excruciating, I’d have stayed in the crapper and bobbed for corn in my stool for 2 hours.

The Fun Factory Phenom

November 23, 2004

This morning's "Daily Deuce" felt like my intestines were a Play-doh Fun Factory (TM) with a starfish-shaped plastic attachment hooked onto the end. The poo was warm and moist, with long strands. [Too bad I didn't have the "spaghetti" attachment!] It came out easy and required only light, steady pressure - which allowed it to squeeze out for almost 10 inches at a time before breaking off. The texture was overall pleasant, and I was happy that it did not re-open yesterday's wound in my tender canal.

The "Fun Factory Effect" of the dump made the product look like churros. If I had a fishnet with me at the time, I might have pulled them out, put them in a deep fryer, covered them in powdered sugar, and tried to sell them at a carnival. Watching people nosh on my deep-fried turds would be so funny that I'd probably crap my pants and have a whole new entertaining log story. I need to make this happen!

Solidity - 7 (Soft, but solid)
Color - 6 (Light mocha)
Facilities - 7 (Familiarity breeds comfort)
Satisfaction - 7 (It wasn't an emergency or anything)
Smell - 8 (Anything mushy makes a smelly tushy!)

Overall - 35; This wasn't that amazing or anything, but the Fun Factory Effect made it memorable. If only I could shape my ass like a Chewbacca mold next time I feel like I'm working with anal Play-doh!

The Tree Trunk

November 22, 2004

I was back to work on a Monday after attending the Eagles’ sluggish victory over the offensively-challenged Redskins. I was well rested after passing out on my couch at 9:30 the night before. It also gave my body enough time to process the sausage, hot dog, and barbecue beef sandwich that I ate at the game – plus about 8-10 flavorless beers.

As I sat at my desk, I could feel that something big was about to drop. I headed to the middle work stall (the first stall had a little too much splatter for my taste that day) and sat down and let her rip…

But when this log began to penetrate past my anus, I realized that there was a problem – it was too big! This was no ordinary log – this was the whole damn tree trunk!

The pain was unbearable. I stopped pushing and thought that if I could just relax, it might just fall out. But it was too hard and dry for that. I was just going to have to bite my lip, deal with the pain, and let it go. I could feel my asshole tearing apart, but when the foot long behemoth finally hit the water, I felt weightless for a moment (literally).

The best metaphor I can use to describe this experience is that I now realize what it must have been like to give birth to Ving Rhames – since that is essentially what I had just done.
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Summary:

Solidity – 10 (This was the literal interpretation of “shit a brick”)
Color – 7 (Dark brown with a reddish tint)
Facilities – 5 (I like the end stall better, but after this experience I’ll be needing to use the handicap stall.)
Smell - 4
Satisfaction – 10 (When you pass something big enough to make your ass bleed, you usually feel better without it in your body)
Overall Score – 36; I’ll remember this one for a long time…or at least until they take the stitches out!

The Big Apple Ass Grapple

November 18, 2004

NEW YORK, NY - It was a pleasant afternoon in The Big Apple. I was feeling great. I had just finished a large lunch at a small Cuban restaurant. I started off with some calamari, followed by a main course of pork chops over cornmeal. I’m not sure if it was the cornmeal, or that tasty rice (which just happened to be full of beans).

As I headed back towards the bus for the ride home, I felt that sudden gurgle in my intestines that cause me to pucker up my cheeks. I started looking for a nice place to go drop, but this was intense. I was now running back and forth across the streets without looking for traffic. I was in that delirious state where you start to wonder “am I going to make it to an actual toilet?”

Finally, I spotted a small bar on a street corner. I bolted past the bar patrons and right to the head. It was a small room with one wooden-paneled stall. I laid down about 3 layers of paper (after wiping up the urine splashes) as quickly as possible – but still chose to squat and hover several inches above the seat, while holding my jacket in the air, as there was nary a coat hook.

The first burst was so intense; it felt like my ass was a sink faucet on full blast. I couldn’t hover any longer, as I knew there was more to follow. With my entire body suddenly at ease, my legs no longer had the energy to hold me up, so I plopped down on my paper-coated throne.

I didn’t even feel anything after the first blast, since its force rendered my anus completely numb. But I still heard more splashes against the water surface.

It was too dark in there to assess the damage fully, but I knew I had to leave as quickly as possible. I popped an Immodium and boarded the bus for the ride home.

Final Tallies:

Color: ?
Solidity: 0 (None)
Satisfaction: 10 (Very High)
Smell: 10 (nasty as…well…shit!)
Location: 2
Overall: 22 – Though not very healthy, the fact that this was an emergency drop on the road in a big city made this one of my most memorable deuces of all time!