GUEST LOGGER

Steve Jeltz e-mailed in this ge[r]m...
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Recently being relegated to a dreaful life of obscenely early mornings, my coffee intake has increased exponentially. This morning I arose for work at 3:30 a.m. and hit the Dunkin Donuts for a yummy Cinnamon stick and XL coffee (extra cream, extra sugar). In a procedure which I wasn't even aware took place, while I was sleeping a skilled surgeon re-routed my esophagus directly to my anus bypassing any intestines normally necessary for digestion. As I sat down at my desk, I could feel the familiar grumblings of an angry, vengeful rectum. Being unfamiliar with my new surroundings, I have not yet found a blissful camode which I can paint with my sweet, aromatic brown paint. I headed to the 2nd floor of the lovely Pennsylvania Convention Center where yesterday I laid waste to the Handicrap stall. In an engineering mishap, someone placed the toilet paper dispenser too low and close to the leg, so I am forced to sit almost side-saddle on this uncomfortable shitter and release my little brown soldiers. If I were Linda McCartney, this duty would have been magnificent...but I digress... The moment my pale white bottom touched that seat I knew a battle was about to commence. I braced myself like an airplane crash victim and closed my eyes. A non-stop jettison of liver, lungs and spleen came rocketing out of my duty canal. I was shocked because, at this moment, I discovered I was pregnant and this child would not wait. I reared back, held my sideways legs in the air and pushed my new butt-baby out as hard as I could. Upon conclusion I leaned forward and stared into the bowl searching for my new kin. Imagine my horror and dissappointment while I looked down and instead of a son, I had dropped a disentigrated placenta and a gallon of afterbirth. If I had crapped out a rusty coat hangar, it all would have made so much more sense. Being disgusted by my findings, I flushed lil' Connor Pooperson down the drain and buckled up my pants praying that our current administration will not arrest me for murder. My butt-baby is dead. Praise Jesus as he will now be forever immortalized in this sacred blog. Farewell Connor Pooperson, much like in real life, your watery grave shall remain a special place.

Solidity : 0
Color : 1 (Burnt Placenta/coffee grinds)
Facilities : -7
Satisfaction : -10 (i miss my baby)
Smell : 0

Overall : -16

I once got raped in prison by a Log with the Hi-5 and consider that a far more pleasant experience. Always remember 'Lil Connor Pooperson. :(